A lot of people have this pre conceived version of what they think a "prostitute" is and what their life actually amounts to after a full life of sex work or just a few years after sex work. Truth is, that everybody is different.. Every woman's life takes a different road.. But chances are that if she comes out of any type of sex work alive and well she's probably one of the strongest people you will meet in your life.. Weather she makes herself something afterwards or becomes one of those statistics that people with psychology degrees expects all of us to become. I'm one of those women and I'm certainly not some statistic.
I fell victim of prostitution like most girls do. Not all but most. No family, no help and a background of sexual abuse. I felt so alone before I started and felt even more alone after I started. There was not one aspect of my "job" that I enjoyed. The people you work "with", they all say you work WITH them but in reality you work FOR them, are probably the most cold hearted people I have ever come across. My clients were my only "friends" .. Being a sex worker, weather you're a street walker or a high class escort, is a lonely world to be in. I never thought that I could possibly end up more lonely than I was before I became a sex worker. I was so stressed out all of the time.. I started to like sleeping better than being awake. I started to gain weight, my hair started to fall out, my anxiety was through the roof.. I felt sick all of the time. The little joys that I had in life became un enjoyable due to my mind constantly being riddled with bad memories and experiences. After just a few months of being in and out of hotel rooms in different towns and states, multiple random men constantly in and out.. Me in and out of their houses.. I felt like I had somehow fallen into some dark hole that I couldn't quite grip to be able to pull myself out of. The person I was disappeared, all that was left was a shell of who I used to be.. I became an anomaly.. And after a while I accepted it and sucked it up like the people I worked for told me to do.. Until I got sick and tired of accepting it and just sucking it up. I had horrible things happen to me, I was raped on multiple occasions, stolen from, I was threatened with knives and guns, I was physically assaulted, arrested.. None of it mattered to the man I worked for. He told me to suck it up and get back to work. I finally realized that all I was to him was a giant dollar sign and some type of sex toy. He could have cared less what happened to me. So I got sick of being told the famous line that all "pimps" or half ass pimps, whatever they are, say, "This is just what happens in this business, you have to accept it and get back out there." I realized that if I kept just accepting all the bad things that were happening to me that I was going to die, as a prostitute and nobody would care or even know where to start looking for me. If I kept accepting it and doing nothing it was going to make it ok to the people that were doing it, and they don't deserve to think that. I never wanted to be part of the problem, I always always wanted to be part of the resolution. So one day I got a text from my "boss" saying "forget work today." No explanation as to why I shouldn't come to work, no nothing. So I called and texted until he answered me.. As it turned out one of the other girls claimed to have talked to a client that I supposedly lied about not seeing.. My "boss", and I do use the term boss extremely lightly, the man who I had been working "with" for a year, the man who claimed to be my friend, somebody I could trust, took her word for it and accused me of stealing from him by not giving him 50 percent of a date I never had. I snapped. That was the last straw. I had endured all of the abuse for a year, I slept with him when he asked, I worked despite all of the bad things that were happening to me, I gave him what he asked for and tried to do it in a positive way, not always positive, but I tried, And that was what I got.. "Fired" by some half ass pimp with nothing more than an assumption, an assumption that he got from some chick who told him that a stole from that I had "stolen" from him.. He didn't even come to that assumption on his own, a 35 year old man let a woman make up his mind about me, somebody who had been around for a year. He threw me away like garbage over nothing more than an accusation.. No proof, no nothing.. I was really upset for a few days. I didn't know what I was going to do without him or sex work. I felt lost.
A few days later I stopped crying. I realized that I am so much better than prostitution, that I have
more going for me in a single bone in my body than my "boss" or that girl had going for them
combined. I realized for the first time in a year and a half that I was going to be OK. What they thought was going to hurt me saved my life. I was boss free for just a few days and I felt a whole new sense of empowerment. I felt like the old me again. I pulled myself out of bed and started applying for jobs. A few days after I got a call from a hospital wanting to interview me for a secretarial position that I had applied for.. Needless to say, I got the job! I start on the first of the month. I got benefits and a pretty high pay. I also met a really great guy that I've been seeing for a bit now, so far he has treated me like gold. He's an attorney, what I aspire to be one day. All of those little joys in life that I mentioned had been ruined by all the term oil brought on by a life of sex work becomes joyful again. I went and got myself a cup,of tea tonight and went and sat on the beach.. Smelt the salty air and listened to the waves lap against the shore and felt peaceful while doing it. My hair stopped falling out and my eyebrows have grown back, no more thick make up to cover up the stress spots.. I got my natural nails back and was able to sit and paint them for the first time a few nights ago.. And best of all I am now able to surround myself with a wonderful group of positive people. I have gained back the person that I lost sight of for a year and a half.
I know that I have a lot of work to do. I will never forget the things that I endured in my year and a
half as a sex worker, but I sure can make the bad memories fade with time and good counseling. I am so thankful that I made it out of that life as a better person and I know there is no turning back now.. As for the people I worked with and for, I wish nothing bad on them, I hope all of the girls are able to see the light one day that I am seeing now because living in the shadow of a man that could care less about anybody but himself will get them nowhere but deeper in that slippery black hole that I spent over a year in. The man in worked for here in New York actually thought me something, that money can never buy happiness, and that if you are truly a cold hearted person nobody and no amount of money can fix you. As for me.. I am going to continue on living and loving life like I always used
to. I take not even the smallest thing for granted anymore. I feel extremely blessed to just be alive and will continue working hard so that I never even so much as think of ever going back.
